A beautiful being

 Lust and your eyes

Trust and your arms

Satisfying my desires

Comfort, joy, fun, connections and passion we shared so magically.

Expectedly happening again would be that radio silence but I am hoping that this could be more than some flings.

The perfect brilliance and feelings, still familiar, so threatening, the hum of anxious breaths and tongues and whispers consumes me as I teach my body and mind the absence of your presence. 

The thoughts of nothing more literally pulls me to the floor. The nights without you in my bed bring back memories of the nights with you in my bed and that comes back and clearly we had it all. All the fun, all the love, all the passion, all of the fire, all of the time and the best part of all of it Is you.

Now all that is there to hold is beautiful memories and  hope that somehow, someday and somewhere this could be alive again and my skin would finally feel the warmth of your embrace once more.

Loving Me (Letters to self)

Loving me is like kisses from moonlight and caresses from the stars

Thinking about me is like dancing from Jupiter to Mars

Being me is like dancing in the rain, such a delight

This love for me is a revolution and every inch of me is matching for it

The universe wove me from a constellation and each star represents a part of my life, beautiful, strong and bright.

I have forgiven myself, I let it all go, I choose me, 

and I will continue to love myself in a way that no one else ever will because

Loving me has been the simplest, quietest and yet most powerful revolution ever!

Love always,

Lisa.

SOMETIMES (Thoughts of complexity)

SOMETIMES.....

Life gets crazy but what's even crazier is that when it does

The empty space suddenly feels complete....

Sometimes I feel so empty but this emptiness fulfils me in ways I can hardly describe...

In the midst of the storm is a tiny little home built of rocks and hope and it screams a loud hello so I push through to shelter in...

Sometimes, hope says goodbye and the world almost turns around but the sun, she won't stop at nothing to shine it's light.... so then it gets hold of a piece of my heart that hope tried to let go and I carry on and am gone

Sometimes, my heart breaks, it breaks in tiny pieces at so many things my eyes see and the thoughts my mind processes...… I hurt for people, from people and from life but see this same life speaks volumes of strength in every breath I take and am reminded by her that every next breath is an opportunity to change, to feel, to see,  and to choose differently

Sometimes nothing makes sense and am left to wander but also the darkened rain falls in motions of life and love and thunder …I pick up and try again after

In such moments I remember that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel and life should take it's turns no matter how hard it can be because the end is meant to be beautiful.

Sometimes, I want to love with every fiber of my being but heartbreak reminds me that there was a time this heart almost couldn't heal but what does my heart know? I will love and love and love until love dies or I...

Sometimes, I wonder why and what am living for, at this age that the world expects so much but am constantly reminded by the child in me that this life is meant to be lived by me and I am alive and free!

Sometimes, the crazy, the wild, the ugly, the bad, the worst, the pain, and the loss is exactly what you need to feel alive again! Sometimes the very worst births the very best so embrace every inch of it, as it comes. 

Sometimes, the healing is in the pain. Don't ask why. 

Sometimes,
Life is waiting for you to give it a try. 

But Life Carries On

Rife

is exactly how I would describe my endless attempt to fill this longing

But now that you're gone, music is more than just sound and the stars represent the beauty of life in highest magnitude

Life's beauty will continue to flourish all around and I will carry on with my heart gracefully.

The sun will slowly rise and the moon will follow too

 Now that you're gone, time won't stop and worry won't be my song

This heart will grow an inch bigger in love and wisdom and lessons have been learnt.

I remember when I believed everything you said and moved by everything you did

When my heart and body yearned for nothing else but you

But now that you're gone, my heart will open into blossoms and my petals will glow

Life will be amazing and I will accomplish so much 

My dreams will become reality and my love will find it's rightful place.

Now that you're gone

I realize that all along I deserved way better and my head will rest

My life will go on, my smile will sparkle, my dreams will be lived, and I will thrive!

The seams you have left, I will carry as beauty marks

Now that you're gone, my heart will rest and I will carry on.

Heart break, an Anniversary

 This is me taking flowers

Taking flowers again to the cemetery of my heart

This is me crying

This is me hurting again because its our anniversary

My body, soul, heart and mind hurt from heartbreak once again

This is me writing 

Trying to let out the pain

Trying to convince myself but it's all strange

There's no one to blame and nothing to gain

The way things end is quite a shame.

This is me telling my heart to walk out the door

For love just left this room.

This is me wishing I heard goodbye

From the love that I held dearly to this heart

The love I kept in the deepest places of my heart and the most important parts of my life.

The love I was given in the dark.

This is me cold.

This is me getting gone.

This is me Laying my tombstone. 

Wanting You

Cognizantly aware of the shadowy place that I have entered

blurred by the colors of what I think and feel and what should I do?

In this place is wanting, wanting and wanting, the room is filled with emotions of lusting, lusting and lusting 

and on the walls are shadow smiles full of wishes, wishes and wishes

of you

Before I got here, somewhere behind the chitty chats and happy hellos

Our need was evident. Simply wanting.

For me, its been wanting your sin

wanting your pain,

wanting your warmth

wanting your name

wanting you to love me, 

wanting you to save me, 

wanting you to leave me

wanting you to touch me,

wanting you to comfort me

wanting you to STOP

But wanting while not wanting you makes me even want you more.

What torture lurks within a single thought.

my weary mind aches with it's presence.

It's days and days of seeing your name and questions of how you truly feel that constantly remind me of how crushed I am with having you in my mind.

Strange how wanting while not wanting you gives me courage to hold everything to a stand!

You will survive

Life is not easy and

People get busy while others struggle regardless of whether they are weak or strong

But to live and die as you begin is a great fall.

Never have to compete for love, money or fame

For these three can easily sway you to the grave

And all that's left is nothing to gain..

This is a common law of life.

Your future may seem grim

And the clouds over you may lose their flair

But haven't you heard that the more the storm, the more the strength?

And the beauty in pain is a treasure to gain even when our hearts are breaking?

Life is a battle

Not always won but we fight with all we have and one day,.

You will get things right.

If hope is a hand then here's mine to hold.

You cannot give up now

Look how far you have come

You will survive.

Letters to Loulou

Honor

Wonder

Pure

Safe

Great 

Beautiful

Pain

Awe

Loved

Passion

Rationed....

These are some of words that describe how you made me feel. 

For you, 

Tears have fallen in the presence of large bands as I freely opened my gates

For you

Hearts have fallen too

As you are a sight to behold,

Moving every heart in the room

Every heart of my heart.

With you 

I witnessed beauty that stuns forever 

Yellow flame flickers

Coal turned into gold

And the feeling of your body next to mine changed the river's course as our fates intertwined 

The color of your eyes

The curl of your hair 

The curve of your lips

The way you use your hands and the gift God has placed in them

Your beautiful personality

The joy in your smile

The feel of your delicate skin on mine

Your soft temperament 

The touch of your hand 

The display of colors our skins made when our bodies touched

The feeling of utter trust when our hands weaved

The time we apent alone and the time in complete silence

These are all of the things that made me feel sustained 

Now without you

Beautiful memories are incomplete

Stars are only but stars and the sound of the sea nothing but sound.

Without you 

The ocean bliss fades slowly to dread

And another life of uncertainty begins.........

Of Unthatched Realities

The first time I saw you, somehow the universe opened up and birthed life in my emotions....

A life so daring

A life I was unprepared for  to breed

A life of blissful damnation..

I watch as time allows for us to depart

While these memories of us attach to the heart....

I must admit that it's been a tough act to follow as I go from waiting to not waiting for you

From hoping you'd come knocking on my door to looking forward to nothing more

From missing you to realizing that I was never really yours and you mine.

The lack of your presence makes me un-at-peace with where I am

For in this moment my wish would be to lay here with you 

In your arms

Watching the stars

As the music dies

And we catch our last train to the coast.

But ever since the grip came to a hold,

Withholding affection seems to be a favourite of my garments as I never cease to wear it with pride

All the while my object of desire in the darkest hours for passion, love and gratification remains you.

Without attempt of attaching no fault to your name 

By dint of you I have known the heat of sensual fire...

Although we were not, we committed more than lovers

And this body and existence left overwhelmed with awaiting your presence.

All of the love that was made is more than a fire

A once in a life-love molochize

Burning to life a muse that seemed to have died.

You

 I miss the way I felt when I was with you...

The false security and love written in pencils..

Moments of sweet nothings and words so trivial..

You

Made me realize that I cannot live if you are here 

Taught me that people can love you only for a while before they want you gone...

Helped me heal the hurt and calm the storm , I no longer hold on to what's gone ....

You

Are the night that fell just after the best day of my life,

Unwrapped my wounds and let them bleed, now I see all of the things I should have never done with you...

Left my messages on read and left so many words unsaid...

But all I hear is take what's left and disappear...

You

Made me laugh

Made me happy

Made me feel so loved and also made me cry.

Once again I have learned, loved, lost you and most of all changed the best way that I could.

You 

I won't look for anymore

I won't cry for anymore

I won't miss anymore

I don't wonder what went wrong with anymore

 

You

Broke my heart once more

And you helped me gather the courage to let go as you did me.

You helped me choose me.

And you are the best thing I must have never had.

Do you Remember?

Once upon a midnight appall

While I ponder weak and weary upon abominable lores of love unequalled

Do you remember that night we had just returned from wander? The day your eyes set foot in mine......

I was wearing my favourite skirt 

You watched me as my eyes looked yonder to take a stab at ignoring chemistry

But you saw the blood boiling in my veins and you wanted nothing more than to get under my skin....

You said words that you should remember,

Words that lit up a burning ocean, 

Under my skin.

Do you remember that night you drove up the village and walked right into my sacred chambers?

After the hurricane you left me fain in my November garden where I mourn among my fallen petals, 

Before my roses felt the sweet constraint of December rain nor the happiness of January......

Stone heart, cold blood, am now a beautiful nosferatu, in it's truest form, laying still, 

Bleeding black after you burned my body and hurried my heart alive and wrote your true feelings of dead love in my eulogy...

I would be lying if I claimed you served no better purpose in my days of yore...

There's one good deed I fairly attribute to you.

Leaving me stranded and alive.

It was then that I learned that I could withstand everything that could come after you. 

Do you remember that someone once truly loved you?